Growing up, there were never any conversations about the rules and regulations which we lived by, whether with regards to men, relationships or sex. It was more subliminal than that. From seeing Sameena and Parveen getting into trouble for being involved with men before marriage, the constant segregation and never being allowed out, the rules slowly became clear and because it was my life, seemed normal until I was much older.
The main rule was all interaction with men, including just talking, not being allowed. I wasn’t permitted to have male friends and if my father could have had it his way, would have spent my life surrounded by only women.
Unfortunately this made the allure of boys more appealing. I was no different from any other teenager in this sense, I fancied George Micheal when I was ten, used to day dream about going out with the lead singer from New Kids on the Block and fancied a sixth former called Charlie, hanging out near the sixth form block in the hope of catching a glimpse of him with my friends.
Then there were the rules on virginity and sex, related very closely to the those on interacting with men. It’s believed women must be virgins on their wedding nights and the only man they’re to have sex with is their husband. Sex is a means to an end and is for procreation purposes only, there’s no fun or pleasure to be derived from it.
I took the rules on virginity seriously. This was due to a mixture of dedication to my religion, my own values and what I’d seen Sameena and Parveen go through when they’d strayed from this particular rule. I wanted to only have sex with my husband or a serious boyfriend, casual sex didn’t interest me. I felt sex should be something special which meant something to both the people involved and for a long time was proud I was a virgin. I wanted it to be a gift I’d give to the man I’d spend the rest of my life with. A lot of my Asian friends felt like this.
But as I got older and didn’t find that elusive someone special my virginity became problematic. I ended up a virgin for longer than I’d planned, in a catch 22 situation. I was in my early twenties and now desperately wanted to lose my virginity, but I couldn’t lose it to just anyone because I’d held onto it for so long. I didn’t necessarily want to save it for the love of my life but wanted it to mean something, to me at least.
On the other side, I had to be with someone for whom my virginity wasn’t viewed as strange either. It added additional and unwanted pressure.
Alex came along at the right time and with relief, although we waited four and a half months, I lost my virginity to him. But my lack of experience, a result of hanging onto my backward beliefs drummed into me from a young age would have an adverse effect on this part of our relationship in the future.
