I was more determined than ever to move away from home for university. Having seen what Parveen had gone through and the kind
of life she was living now, alongside the way I'd lived through my teenage
years, I realized this was my only way to break free. I'd be able to go out,
talk to men without worrying someone would see me or know and have a
boyfriend for the first time.
But it wasn’t going to be easy.
No woman in my family had gone to university before and no woman had ever moved away
from home before marriage. To persuade my family round to the idea I'd have
to get my father’s permission first and then tackle my brother, with whom I
lived in London and who took the place of my father as head of the household there.
If my father gave his permission, although my brother
couldn’t stop me, he'd wouldn't be happy about it.
In the summer after my ‘A’ levels I went to
Pakistan to ask my father’s permission. I was going to
study at University College London, whose campus was in central London and my
family lived in South London. I could have traveled there within an hour. But I lied and said it would take more time and with a heavy
timetable it would be better if I lived close to the university. I had a room
in single sex halls of residence and would go home every weekend.
To
my surprise, my father agreed easily, he was so proud I was going to
go university. He'd placed the ambitions he'd had for my brother's who'd passed away onto me and as such was giving me freedom never given to a woman in our family before.
I longed to not have to account for my whereabouts to someone all the time. I envied my friends who went out at night, went to concerts and
sleepovers. I was only allowed out during the day, with the
excuse of studying at a friend’s house. I only did the normal things a
teenager does with her friends, hang out, listen to music and talk, but in my
family it wasn’t seen as necessary and therefore not done.
When I was sixteen I wanted to go to the Smash Hits awards concert. There'd be lots of my favourite groups and singers
performing and I watched it on television every year. My friends had bought me a
ticket and as it was during the day, I thought I could go and make my curfew of six o’clock.
I asked my father's permission, saying I was going to
study at a friend’s house at twelve o’clock and would be home at six. His response was "six hours?". To him it was unthinkable I'd be gone for such a long time, even under the pretence of studying. It's just one example of how strict they were and when I look back now, I know exactly
why I had to break away.
Despite my father approving I still had to tell my brother. He was more difficult. He
knew he couldn’t stop me but had to make it known he didn't approve.
This involved telling me how dangerous it was for girls to live away from home
and he knew what they got up to when they did. I listened and
interjected every so often with, "I’m only going to study, nothing more and
nothing less". I did this until he was satisfied he'd given me as hard a time as he could about it.
I was left at my halls
of residence at about about five o’clock the day before term started. After I unpacked and had dinner I went
for a walk with my roommate. I remember feeling so free....it’s hard to explain how that felt. I was used to answering questions about where I was going and what I was doing. I only saw my friends occasionally outside
of college and they understood I wasn’t allowed out. I used to love reading because it allowed me to live the life I
could never have, through the characters in my books. I could read about girls
going to parties, having boyfriends
and imagine what that was like. At least no-one controlled what I read.
Now i'd be able to do what I wanted. It was
the beginning of the life I'd waited eighteen years for.
