When I don’t
visit my family or speak to my sisters for any length of time it’s like I can
finally breathe and get a proper perspective on my whole life, not just the
parts which include or are affected by them.
When i’m around
them I get drawn into wanting to please them, because I think there might be
some resolution to the mess which is our relationship and because of my unease at the thought I’ve caused them pain, regardless of
their demands.
Since I left my
parents' house a couple of weeks ago, after the most recent argument and haven’t been
back, I’ve not only felt much happier, I’ve been able to get my life on
track far more than I have in the last couple of months since I returned from Spain.
I’ve finally made some decisions regarding my career, moved into my friends’ flat and realised I have a lot of options, regardless of what my
family tell me. I’ve also realised how lucky I am to have friends who are there
for me unconditionally, unlike my family.
When I’m around
them, it’s like I’m a child again, wanting to please them by getting the
highest marks in school and proving my worth. Instead now I try and convince
them I won’t embarrass them by living with a ‘gora’, I’ll work, be a
good person and a good Muslim and visit them as often as I can. All the
time I know, deep inside, no matter how hard I try and what I do, they’ll never
be happy until I’m either married to someone they approve of or living under their watchful eyes.
I can’t
believe just a few weeks ago, I let my sisters shout and tell me I should
find someone Pakistani, marry him, start a family and stop doing all the
'bad' things I was doing (i.e, going out and seeing my friends).
Around them I
lose all perspective, but now I’m alone and have the space to breathe I can
think clearly and decide what I want to do and how I want to live my life. No
doubt I’ll make mistakes and perhaps even screw it all up, but at least they’ll
be my mistakes and my screw ups.
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