My parents finding out about Alex

At the time I didn’t notice it but Alex was demanding when it came to time spent together. I remember him saying, “if I can’t see my girlfriend every weekend, there’s no point, is there?” I wasn’t to realise till much later Alex had few friends in London and wasn't confident in social situations. Instead, I tried to make him happy by spending every weekend with him, to the detriment of the relationship with my family as well as friends. I should have worked out a compromise with him, instead of giving into his whims, thinking it romantic he wanted to spend all his time with me.

I’d told my sisters about Alex and they’d been okay about it, probably thinking it was just some fun and eventually I’d do the right thing and get married to whoever my parents chose.

This continued for a year, my balancing seeing Alex, studying for my PhD which involved twelve hour days and visiting my family. I lied constantly to spend so much time with Alex and when I did visit my family, stayed for the minimal amount of time, usually to rush back and see him.

It was stupid really, I should have covered my tracks better, spending less time with Alex. But on the other hand, you could say my having a boyfriend or not wanting to spend all my time with my family should have been acceptable.

Due to my constant avoidance my parents decided to visit me unannounced one weekend at my flat. My landlord opened the door and said I’d gone out with my boyfriend. My father asked what colour my boyfriend was, to which he replied white. The landlord was a friend's father and she called to tell me. I remember getting the message on my phone and my heart literally sinking, panicking and thinking, what will I do? I couldn't even begin to anticipate their reaction. It was the worst thing which could ever happen to a girl like me, from a family like mine. It was my worst nightmare.

I had numerous messages on my phone, telling me to come home immediately. I had threats, Parveen saying, you don’t know what Dad or Mohammed are capable of, you should be scared. My mum crying, my father shouting and even my fifteen year old nephew begging me to come home. I avoided them, switching my phone off and deleting the messages. They didn't have Alex's address so couldn't find me (at least that's what I thought). I evetually changed my phone number so they couldn't contact me.

I avoided all contact with them for about six weeks. It was more avoidance because I had no idea what to do. Parveen and Sameena, who i'd supported when they'd gone through similar situations, albeit at a much younger age, were of no use. As far as they were concerned, i'd run off with the "gora" (white man) and that was that. Their memories were poor.

I finally decided to see them. Sameena had bumped into my friend Nazia's sister and had taken Nazia's number and kept calling her, asking her to ask me to go home. I had to stop them calling her, as Nazia had nothing to do with any of this.

Before going home I met Sameena as I was scared about the confrontation i'd have. She was really angry, but said don’t worry, everything will be okay. Her main objective was to persuade me to see my parents, regardless of anything else. She said come home, Dad’s not going to say anything to you. It’ll be alright.

But she was pissed off, her husband, Yousaf had been screaming and shouting, calling me all sorts of names in front of the children and my father had accused her and Parveen of not keeping better tabs on me and allowing me to go off the rails.

Ironic. Yousaf forgets he was seeing Sameena before they got married and picking me up from school was the excuse for them to meet. What kind of example was that to set for me, a child of seven or eight years?
And my father, blaming my sisters when his focus all his life has been making money and his "jedat" or inheritance in Pakistan, rather than his children. Oh, and praying. Let's not forget the religion obsession.

But it's easier to shift blame, as is common in my family.